To whom it may concern (It should be obvious):
Remember that day all our metaphors stumbled out of our mouths and broke on the floor, but we loved each other anyway? Or when we fell asleep stuck to each other, and curled up perfectly?
I want that to be everyday. I want to eat couscous, and watch movies, and wake up to kiss your sleepy head before I waltz off to school or work or wherever.
I want to not get hurt, or hurt, ever again. I want to have a one and only, to get an apartment and drink tea at the kitchen table and make messes in the living room and get into fights because we're both crazy and go off my meds because we don't have insurance and cry ourselves to sleep and wake up new. I want to get drunk and wake up half dressed, soaked in whiskey. I want to move halfway across the country in the wrong direction.
I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
I mean it.
The only reason I ran away was because I'm an idiot. I won't do it again.
22 September, 2008
07 September, 2008
This Week Has Been Pretty Damn Long.
It started out pretty wonderfully,with Monday night and Michael etc, and then got a lot worse. I've been stranded twice this week, and last night threw me.
I have to be vague because if I'm not, I'll end up admitting things that I'm not quite ready to admit. I know them, and my little brother knows, but that's it.
I came to a realization of sorts a few weeks ago involving things that happened and The Idiot by Dostoevsky. Since then I've spent a lot of my brain power thinking about ruined things, and what makes someone ruined, and the connection i feel with that character who shares my name. I'm more like her than I want to concede to. However, if you look at the past year of my life (as in, starting in January of this year) in that context, it makes sense. And it makes it very clear what I am trying to avoid and what I desperately want. They're the same thing. It sucks. Listening to Black Sheep Boy by Okkervil River doesn't help, either. It's a story that I lived, and now I keep reliving because the album is good. I feel like there's some sort of insight that i can use, too. I just need to find it.
I came to a realization this week on tuesday that confirmed that what I'm running away from for months at a time and what I desperately want are one and the same. It scares me as much as I knew it all along. and in combination with last night it leaves me incredibly confused.
Last night was a trip, though. Conversations about something Sarah Kane said, but twisted into something she didn't mean..."Thou shalt not kill thyself".
It's truth, I guess, based on my extensive adventures in trying to kill myself and failing, but I said it as a joke. So much bullshit flew back and forth over that coffee. It was kind of nice. I need serious human interaction on occasion.
Reminded me of something I'm not supposed to remember. Oh well. I was good, and that's what matters.
I've been being good lately, becuase of that guy from a year ago. I really don't know if being good is what i should be doing or not. I don't want to be good. I've never wanted to be good. I'm making efforts and it's making me bored and tired and sick of life. So maybe it's time to cut it out, get all of the other stuff out of my system. The bad half live in wickedness, but the good half live in arrogance, you know? I'll take honest wickedness over arrogance anyday.
I have to be vague because if I'm not, I'll end up admitting things that I'm not quite ready to admit. I know them, and my little brother knows, but that's it.
I came to a realization of sorts a few weeks ago involving things that happened and The Idiot by Dostoevsky. Since then I've spent a lot of my brain power thinking about ruined things, and what makes someone ruined, and the connection i feel with that character who shares my name. I'm more like her than I want to concede to. However, if you look at the past year of my life (as in, starting in January of this year) in that context, it makes sense. And it makes it very clear what I am trying to avoid and what I desperately want. They're the same thing. It sucks. Listening to Black Sheep Boy by Okkervil River doesn't help, either. It's a story that I lived, and now I keep reliving because the album is good. I feel like there's some sort of insight that i can use, too. I just need to find it.
I came to a realization this week on tuesday that confirmed that what I'm running away from for months at a time and what I desperately want are one and the same. It scares me as much as I knew it all along. and in combination with last night it leaves me incredibly confused.
Last night was a trip, though. Conversations about something Sarah Kane said, but twisted into something she didn't mean..."Thou shalt not kill thyself".
It's truth, I guess, based on my extensive adventures in trying to kill myself and failing, but I said it as a joke. So much bullshit flew back and forth over that coffee. It was kind of nice. I need serious human interaction on occasion.
Reminded me of something I'm not supposed to remember. Oh well. I was good, and that's what matters.
I've been being good lately, becuase of that guy from a year ago. I really don't know if being good is what i should be doing or not. I don't want to be good. I've never wanted to be good. I'm making efforts and it's making me bored and tired and sick of life. So maybe it's time to cut it out, get all of the other stuff out of my system. The bad half live in wickedness, but the good half live in arrogance, you know? I'll take honest wickedness over arrogance anyday.
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