One Of The Most Precious Pieces Of Paper I've Ever Had Is On My Lap.

It's a Metra Electric Track Warrant(Form 14.3), but that's not what makes it important. It's got my train conductor's (whose name I will withold because I think he'd appreciate it) information on it. I'm not going to lose him this time.About a year ago, I was taking the metra almost every day to see the ex. After a while of taking assorted trains I took the 1:30. Around this time I developed a weird fascination with filming everything, so when I got on the train and the conductor was making noises and joking and acting like he might actually enjoy his job, the camera went on. (Note: It is extrememly out of the ordinary for metra conductors to act like they enjoy being conductors.)Not without his permission, of course, but somewhere there's a mini-dv tape of him talking. I think it's in my desk.
I started taking the 1:30 as a matter of course. It fit mine and the ex's schedules pretty well, and gave me some time with my conductor. That time on the train before I went to see the ex gave me a reason to live for however long of a time span it was. He was the only encouraging part of my day. Now, I would crash upon getting into the car sometimes, but that's another story.
Eventually my schedlue changed, and my conductor's schedule got changed. I didn't see him and every once in a while I would miss him terribly.
Every few months or so he would resurface. We would catch up and shoot the breeze and then I would go home feeling wonderful and then it would be another few months. Last time I left him a card, but the metra ate it. This time he gave me contact information.
What more could I ask for?

Feb. 14th Shooting

There was a shooting at Northern Illinois University in Dekalb, IL today.
He was unharmed, and I'm not sure why I feel so awful.

It Is, In Fact, Possible To Be A Liar Without Being A Hypocrite.

I missed my show. Had a feeling but I was sure it was tomorrow.
And I took a walk, and I took a shower, and I spent a lot of time yelling at the girl in the mirror with the tattoo that lies. She's the only person who I don't love.Michael says you become what you hate and I've never really agreed with him, and now I realize that because I've always been what I hate.
There's been a lot of guilt in my life lately, and jealousy and shit. Making little hats for the child my mother is about to have just gets me thinking about the one that I should have. She'd be almost a year old. And I'm jealous of my mother, for whom this comes so easy, and I'm guilty that I'm jealous. Especially since I don't want kids, and since my life would be even more in shambles if I hadn't lost her. Or maybe I do, maybe I'm just too scared to ever consider having them.

A Review Of My Little Sister's Band Concert

On Sunday, February 10, 2008, The Crete Lutheran Beginner's Band had its first concert.The conductor, Joel Buege, chose songs based on a winter theme. They opened with Jingle bells, the worn out, simple to play Chirstmas carol, and failed to breathe any more life into it than that guy who did a really bad job in that popular movie. Jingle bells was promptly followed by a painful intro to the next song, a medley of holiday tunes. The official name of the piece was "Holidy Sampler", and Mr. Buege made the mistake of comparing it to those cheesy whitman's samplers you get at Walgreens. After what was a solid start for a bunch of ten year olds, Mr. Buege also took the liberty of filling in for the bass drummer, who had failed to show up, by singing during the parts where there should have been a drum solo. He was a little flat. The last piece, Beethoven's 9th or Ode to Joy, was the musical equivalent to a tums: not the best thing ever, but pleasant enough to make one forget the things that just happened. Finally, the one girl flute section was audible. That factor alone made up for several instances of harmony gone horribly wrong, and my little sister sticking a drum stick up her nose. To her credit, she did not miss her cue.